To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

If you could only stop your heartbeat for one heart

Bill Callahan's Sometimes I Wish We Were An Eagle is the best album of 2009







Little tiny pieces of peace for me sometimes
Everything I've eaten for a week has spinach in it
Of all the people in the world, why should I love you?
Somehow my brain still associates love with good things
I still like to think about it and feel it

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

--

Every other year is gone away to me and I can't remember any other version of myself. Keeping a notebook doesn't work for me, I can't express myself in words about what I did or who I thought I loved.

I am the non-linear, hope in clairvoyance, I am the gold that dances around your hair when you stand in front of the setting sun



2009 was so painful and then like 3 things were good



2010 is going to be my best year.. I hope it gets really fucking meta

where are everyone's goals and I'm scared

I want to go back in time with you to when everyone traveled by trains

I want to give you things to which you can look forward

And I can still use your light to read by
But I can't use your feet to keep my feet warm

Don't be upset
And I will try not to be upset

I want to marry you
Or leave something of mine at your house for a long time

Each day: you wake up, you are sad and grateful to be alive, you are mostly very distracted, something happens that affects you deeply and no one else can understand what it means to you, no one understands what they mean to you, you ponder the potential of turning that esoteric meaning into art only to concede, you get fucked up, you sober up, you ponder the weight of anything, you ponder the potential for anything you do to matter; it doesn't. You are alone.




I just don't think anyone I know understands how badly I hurt every day.

I don't want to be here, and I don't want to be there.



I guess if something so small hidden underneath the great expanse of everyone else's agenda can mean so much to me - all the so so small things - that accounts for something. I just don't see the importance most people imagine their life holds; that they attempt to project on others, the rest of the whole world. Our lives are not so dramatic, our goals rarely mean much. This is ok, but I wish everyone could just shut the fuck up. You know?










THINGS SHOULD.. MAKE YOU HAPPY



It's what I want to be, but you know

Nothing I make means anything to anyone anymore! I started to spill my guts into something something a love project and then I hear oh god nfuckingfuck fuck fuck fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck I am so stupid to think I can have the things that I want

I am so weird and disgusting; I know this now and I am not ready to know

Wikipedia tabs from 5 AM:

Military Brat (US subculture)

Intertexuality

Jonny Quest

Blackface

List of Motown Records Artists

Florrie Fisher

For real, Dinah

I need to use this time in my life to focus more on more collaborative efforts. The "This is the Sound of How I Feel For You" tape series has slowed down, as I'm not as completely insane as I was before. I can't seem to write a decent song or make a decent art unless there is some great emotional conflict in my life. All I have is the conflict of my ambivalence toward nearly everything, besides that toward which I feel solely apathy.









Primarily, everything that I encounter in life is unattractive. Albeit, there are a few things which are sexy. These things are:
1. Vulnerability
2. The music of John Maus
3. Highwaters

Not to be confused with that which is romantic, for there are many other things that fall under such a category. Raconteurs, the French Language, old-school chivalry, and so on. It's just really cool when you remember that there are at least three sexy things that exist out there, and occasionally you cross paths with them.






I used to dream when I was younger that I'd be some kind of genius, but I don't really do much of anything I guess.

A really neat thing happened today. I was stung by a wasp, and this kid told me to stick tobacco on it. The nicotine draws out the venom, which creates a sense of relief and reduces swelling.



It's weird - I just keep thinking "I'm really lonely, and that stinger is still inside of my leg."

If the day came when I felt a natural emotion, I'd get such a shock I'd probably jump in the ocean

When I was in 7th grade, I wrote a play that the school performed, called "Untitled". It was about a boy, played by myself, who was the outcast/androgynous punk kid at school. Everyone made really bad fun of me for that. I sat on my computer and listened to the Clash and wished I was a cool older person who wrote hip blogs instead of plays.



But here I am, jobless, listening to the Clash on my computer, writing in my hip blog, and I'd give anything to be a freaky 7th grader who wrote plays, and who did not have the lungs of someone who has smoked for 7 years.

I'd give anything to be there, in love for the first time ever; doing every single thing for the first time ever.

This is
what I'm
thinking about
constantly



I want to be held

It's so hard for me to talk to a guy I like - I just end up talking about vulveeta or dog lipsticks.

My only fashion icon

Though mostly numb to his death, sometimes one thing hits me so hard that I cry immediately. Today, when I thought about how he died just months before getting to hear just aaaaaa sec mooore in myyyy beeeeeeed, or a memory of him lying next to me, saying he had bad skin, when I thought it was perfectly beautiful skin.




And it really was.

"Someone should be so lucky to have such beautiful songs written for them."

But it's going to be ok in time, because really all things are, and because I'm not self-destructive - I just have feelings which assist me in understanding what it's like. This is why it will be ok in time, and also because the things that you feel about someone else are mostly just projections of yourself. You reject the things you hate in yourself, and most of the time just love things in other people based on the web of aesthetic specifications you've made in your mind. Whether that devalues it or not, what matters is that it can be projected onto anyone; anything.

I W O I C H

And also because the darkness that is the trees on the side of the road at night, the pain in my heart, my skinned knee, my numb fingers, the longest hardest fullest laugh, the pain in my heart, the most/least sheepish smile, the other you in the forest, having tears kissed away, the awful pain in my heart, the feeling when it stops, the occasional recurrence, and the feeling of wanting to die will all be ok, will be more than ok, and then will be gone in time.

Is your life weird?

Take some time to think about whether or not your life is weird.

Did you think of the answer yet? Do you know the answer?

Yes. Your life is weird.

My life is weird because I am scared of checking my voicemail, opening mail, paying more than 50 dollars for anything no matter what it is, I always get tiny zits on my forehead scar, I can't even give it a try to want someone who wants me, I feel ugly I'm not ugly, I'm never actually home.. that the way air conditioning feels is how I feel for them, the way the trees on the side of the road look at night, the sound of a television playing in the other room, the spaces in a hardwood floor, the way it feels when someone dies, the way it feels to want die is how I feel for them.

Why is your life weird?

Overbites, underbites, gaps, crooked teeth, sharp teeth.. it changes the way people hold their mouth, and changes the sound of how their words come out. How their words look coming out. I am one hundred percent obsessed with the differences in people's teeth, and pronunciation of letters.

I keep having crushes - nothing will ever ever happen!



It's so crazy when you have felt so many people's bodies but you just remember how one person's body felt so strongly in some moment. And you just want it on your body again, especially your palms and fingertips, but it isn't going to happen maybe ever and then you go to sleep.

The first tape I made was really good, and the one I'm making now is stupid and lacking real expression. 8 or 9 tape recorders later, it's part of the curse.


I found a cassette by this band M (seen above) called the Official Secrets Act. They sound like Devo, only really campy. I really like Hyde and Zeke's in Gainesville. I really like one dollar records.

I think I am the most in debt out of everyone I know, I'm always freaking out inside, I'm reading and hermiting so I have less to freak out about.



I hope I meet a boy in Gainesville who is cute and nice to me.

Right?

GO MAGIC

http://normrex.libsyn.org

Check out Travis's podcast; my mixtape is going to be featured on it!

what is this
http://www.buddyhead.com/high-school-record-the-movie

3very day my h3art skips so many beats, and it sinks - I try not to miss so many opportunities - I try not to time travel back in my mind - once my dream came true and a cute guy actually came into my lonely job - his name was Noah - I loved that, he sat down for a while and we talked, he loved me - we made plans and he ditched me - he asked what music I liked and I said Charlie Parker - I want to make hopeful art, art which creates hope - I want to start my second tape but can't make copies of the first - I want to have meaningful sex - I was so sick, the last few days when I blow my nose there is a lot of blood - actually it's mostly blood - I have four hardly working record players, where do I get them looked at - I'm crying!

watching clarissa, my brain explains it all

"you can't run away," she says. "just think of your friends."
"you're my only friend."
"I know. I mean, think of me."
I think, "He felt her up in that shirt at some point. Does he remember the shirts he felt me up in?"
She drops herself onto the bed. "You just want to be listening to Echo and the Bunnymen on a yacht somewhere but"
Do you ever find yourself saying a word to yourself out loud that is utterly irrelevent? Do you ever find yourself running?
It's infected, it's not closed up, I want to let it close up I
"Maybe I don't exist; maybe I am an atom on the palm of a giant!" Clarissa Darling shouts, insecure about her being due to family history
while I am just watching this show so high, can't tell if I am
him, him, him, him, him, whyyyyyyyyyy

And in reality, I want to feel something so good and I can't find it really. I am trying to be less cohesive when making art or expressing myself. It is not the nature of my mind. I have no goals, but want absolutely everything.

Where there's a wig, there is a way

There isn't enough time to learn everything that you want, love all of your friends equally, figure out how to say exactly what you mean, make a home, try to rationalize love, sustain passion and motivation, express your affection physically, create art which you can be proud of, relax and be frivolous, make mistakes which you can learn from, to mourn when the time comes, keep in touch with all the people you care about who have drifted off to other parts of the world, or to isolate yourself in peaceful moments of introspection.. but at the same time, there sort of is, and sometimes it takes being asphyxiated by your apron on your bike (and nearly dying) to make you realize this. While I could barely breathe, all I thought of was my friends, how much I love them all, and how proud I am to have made them. There are so many more things I love about my own life than I think I have ever realized. I am happy to be me in this world right now.



Sometimes you look at someone and you feel yourself about to say, "I want to kiss you. Right now.", you don't, and maybe you didn't even feel that way at all.

I got my bike back!

View Larger Map

This spot on the map is really beautiful.

Twin Peaks

My heart is full of things that belong to no one.

Someone please take this job with me

I think this is the only answer as to what I can do with my life right now.

CARNIVAL HELP WANTED

Reply to: receptionist@strates.com [?]
Date: 2009-01-28, 3:30PM EST


Now accepting applications for ride operators, ticket sellers and general laborers to travel with James E. Strates Shows, one of America's leading carnival midway providers. Ride positions include setup, operation and teardown of carnival rides and equipment. General laborers needed for lot cleanup and general maintenance. Positions available IMMEDIATELY. Will train. Must be 18 or older and able to travel. Drug screening and background check.

Apply in person and please be prompt:
Thursday, January 29 and Friday, January 30 at 2:00 p.m.
Monday, February 2 - Friday, February 6 at 8:00 a.m.

Strates Shows, Inc.
10600 Orange Avenue (just south of Taft-Vineland Road)
Orlando, FL 32824

Visit us at www.strates.com (click on flag titled "employment") for further information.

Strates is the only Carnival that travels by train in the United States.

As for animal cruelty, the websites says that "animals are rare" and that the carnival is ride-centric. I am going to see if I can join this after my lease is up. What if I did that? I want to do that, but not alone.

I pulled my knife out on a bunch of rednecks tonight

vinyl purchases:






as soon as I steal more money from work:




I want to be so crazy I don't know it; you don't know it

-

I want to be like Su Tissue



I want a Twin Peaks tattoo. Why don't I ever clean my room all the way?