This is
what I'm
thinking about
constantly



I want to be held

It's so hard for me to talk to a guy I like - I just end up talking about vulveeta or dog lipsticks.

My only fashion icon

Though mostly numb to his death, sometimes one thing hits me so hard that I cry immediately. Today, when I thought about how he died just months before getting to hear just aaaaaa sec mooore in myyyy beeeeeeed, or a memory of him lying next to me, saying he had bad skin, when I thought it was perfectly beautiful skin.




And it really was.

"Someone should be so lucky to have such beautiful songs written for them."

But it's going to be ok in time, because really all things are, and because I'm not self-destructive - I just have feelings which assist me in understanding what it's like. This is why it will be ok in time, and also because the things that you feel about someone else are mostly just projections of yourself. You reject the things you hate in yourself, and most of the time just love things in other people based on the web of aesthetic specifications you've made in your mind. Whether that devalues it or not, what matters is that it can be projected onto anyone; anything.

I W O I C H

And also because the darkness that is the trees on the side of the road at night, the pain in my heart, my skinned knee, my numb fingers, the longest hardest fullest laugh, the pain in my heart, the most/least sheepish smile, the other you in the forest, having tears kissed away, the awful pain in my heart, the feeling when it stops, the occasional recurrence, and the feeling of wanting to die will all be ok, will be more than ok, and then will be gone in time.