Saturday, May 8, 2010

Maybe it's because I'm the kind of sick where my teeth hurt, but I feel like everything I am doing is wrong all of the time. I'm not happy right now. I have been feeling more alone than I had in a while; more introverted. I am adjusting. Still, sometimes when I believe one hundred percent for sure in things, and something happens differently than I expected, I feel no confidence in myself at all. I just really feel alone in a weird way that makes me keep washing my hands and I don't know why. They just feel sticky and dirty every second for the past week. I keep washing them. And picking at my skin. And thinking nothing to myself. And crying and crying like the dog keeps crying because neither of us knows what we need but we're anxious and we feel alone.

I just want to be laying on the floor giggling and giggling and giving a light show for the boys and I want to just be in the car with my best friend or searching the car with a flashlight or five candles our heads on your shoulders. But I don't have a best friend. There is nothing to giggle about. There is the sound of my fan - a little crunchy, a little buzzy. Not what I had hoped it would sound like, I guess.

1 comment:

Allison Weiner said...

I'm picking my foot right now. The big toe where the skin is not dead and will start bleeding and it will hurt when I walk on it. My fan is like a trotting horse and the girth is loose and the saddles slapping. I keep coughing and almost throwing up.
In summary, I know what you mean.
In sum-summary, ditto.
In su-sum-summary, Dido.
In sumo-summary, Dildo.