Don't Laugh; I'm Totally Serious

2010-05-08T12:57:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's because I'm the kind of sick where my teeth hurt, but I feel like everything I am doing is wrong all of the time. I'm not happy right now. I have been feeling more alone than I had in a while; more introverted. I am adjusting. Still, sometimes when I believe one hundred percent for sure in things, and something happens differently than I expected, I feel no confidence in myself at all. I just really feel alone in a weird way that makes me keep washing my hands and I don't know why. They just feel sticky and dirty every second for the past week. I keep washing them. And picking at my skin. And thinking nothing to myself. And crying and crying like the dog keeps crying because neither of us knows what we need but we're anxious and we feel alone.

I just want to be laying on the floor giggling and giggling and giving a light show for the boys and I want to just be in the car with my best friend or searching the car with a flashlight or five candles our heads on your shoulders. But I don't have a best friend. There is nothing to giggle about. There is the sound of my fan - a little crunchy, a little buzzy. Not what I had hoped it would sound like, I guess.

2010-04-23T21:07:00.000-07:00

Mean things we said to each other today:

"Get your fat ass up and let's go."

"I ate too much, I'm fat again, and I need to change"
"I know you do - into something less slutty"

"I'm glad you were never my boyfriend; you're gross!"

2010-04-13T20:43:00.000-07:00

All the times I have almost broken an almost one hundred year old instrument, is it all really going to happen?

Is some of it going to happen? All of the very best things, as intensely and the most filled with magic as is possible?

I have this overwhelming sensation that all of my hopes will become moments and movements.

I am a little exhausted still today, but I can feel that already moving behind me. I am already so surprised to have travelled to the future so quickly and efficiently.

I must remember that we are living the part of our journey where everything is new every day, exciting every day, magic, refreshing, inspiring, your-toes-on-my-toes-making-my-eyes-water every day. The bad part - the unsure part, the awkward part, the heartbroken, dishonest, sad, I'm-still-searching-for-something-I-know-can't-be-found part happened before this. And as everything, it must come to an end - which we already experienced before the sad part, and made it all the way through, every day of our lives before it. Every day, all the way back to before we met. So for the rest of our days, we only have the magic to live. For the rest of our days, all the way back before we meet again.

Hopefully this way of looking at my life will prove infectious, affecting the arrangement of very many things' progression.

I want to listen to Eyehategod. I want to listen to the Rotary Connection.

Music I love every day forever from now on.

Making sure they know I love them. Knowing I could die happy tomorrow.

Controlling your ADD; preserving your guilelessness; developing your consciousness - semantics

2010-03-23T00:48:00.000-07:00

I believe in everything fully for the first time.

Sons and daughters,
we scribbled just about anything down in our moleskins and composition books because we had to let the feeling out. I hope that you still have diaries, ones with keys, by the time you need them (I will never ever read them). We called because we had a conflict to resolve, we had a huge secret to tell, we had to find out as much information we could, we needed directions, we needed direction, I mean we exclusively called when we needed directions, we knew our friends' phone numbers. When we needed to express something, we didn't publicize it for every friend we've ever known, or for any person on the planet to have as much right to our expression of those things as ourselves. And no matter how it was publicized, it was expected to be worthy of the audience's attention (a span which has become too short for this paragraph). The technology we have been given is used more by my peers (as a majority) for sharing basic prose with the networks they have created - or maybe brief glimpses of our streams of consciousness - rather than influencing each other with our own mighty thoughts and ideas. No matter how reasonable, everything that takes more than a few moments, a single take, the shortest short-cut, is an inconvenience to ourselves, or, if not, to others. My friends who write well - when? I hope you have the patience to put it somewhere at all. Sons and daughters, what will amount to anything for you? Will you be born into western society impatient? Imperturbable? What lengths will you be willing to go? How will you be?

How will I be?

De Bye, c. 1660

I see where it started to crumble. If my cell phone was replaced by an older land line miraculously in the night, I wouldn't know how to call the first person I think about when I wake up. I now see that we are in a constant state of communication - it is easier than I could ever have wanted. "Hey, it's me. I'm actually going to be there in five minutes instead of two."

To those who really feel me,
My feelings about art and technology are always intertwined. I see so much having to do and say one million things half-way; it is sticking out a lot to me. So in spite of everything I come across that is concept-rich and well-intended, I feel more partial to art and music that is most impassioned, and in tie, scrupulous. I think that I know some of the most important souls in my culture, and that we all have the gifts to rise a generation's level of consciousness, or at least to birth an identifiable aesthetic. I hope we do the things we need so as to make this happen, and I suspect the destruction of our networks of insentient communication will come sooner than we expect. I feel, though viable in its potential, the rebellion will need more than a defiant appreciation for DIY and analog - fueled by angst, pretension, or most fruitlessly, nostalgia - for the real change to come. Of course DIY, but let's all Do It Ourselves With All of Our Soul to the Best of Our Abilities.

I intend to spend my days contributing all of the positive energy in my universe, that I am allowed to borrow, to the rest of the indigo children, may they believe in themselves and what we are to achieve with one another's participation.

2010-03-06T22:23:00.000-08:00

I hate what my universe is right now. All the energies that extend from me to the rest of it. I don't want to talk to these people or do any of these things. I want the light to reside somewhere besides my own house. I want it out of my eyes. I want none of this. I want none of these senses. It is all 'I' because no one else should ever feel this way. I had horrible nightmares. I can't even bear to open my mouth and I want to share nothing. It's all nightmares.

2010-02-24T20:31:00.000-08:00

There is trying to prove yourself
and there is escaping trying to prove yourself
and there is trying to prove something else
and that's all there is

I am trying to prove you are more than that to me

2010-02-12T23:20:00.000-08:00

I want to capture certain sensations when I am singing a song I made. Deja vu, depersonalization, jamais vu, my elusive precognition, a friend's clairvoyance, the single sensation of all senses of heightened reality - that intense realization of the weight, meaning, and existence of what is happening to you. What words are there for these things but 'I feel, I feel, I feel,'?

I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU

2010-01-29T16:17:00.000-08:00

I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU:

1. TO WATCH 60'S FASHION PROGRAMMING CLIPS ON YOUTUBE MIXED WITH 60'S/70'S ELECTRONIC MUSIC
.. AND NOT WATCH IT FOREVER
2. TO GROW A SUNFLOWER
.. AND THEN CUT IT DOWN
3. FEEL SO GOOD
.. AND FEEL IT FOR HOWEVER LONG; THIS ONE'S EASY

I DOUBLE DOG DARE MYSELF TO GET THE WORDS "THE ENCHANTMENT PT. ONE" TATTOOED ON MY BODY - WHY - I DON'T KNOW WHERE THOSE WORDS ARE FROM

THE WAY IN WHICH I LOVE JAZZ AND CLASSICAL MUSIC IS UNIMPORTANT
OR MAYBE IT'S LUCKY
BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY
I LIKE IT SOMETIMES, BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE HOW I FEEL AT THAT TIME
IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S GOING TO MAKE ME MIRACULOUSLY NOT STUPID ABOUT SOMETHING
I'M NOT EVEN DEFENDING MYSELF AGAINST ANYTHING
LIKE WHY IS THIS WHAT I'M THINKING

2010-01-25T17:34:00.000-08:00

I've already met all of the people I want to know for the rest of my life. What are the chances that they will all live in the same place in the end? I mean, I guess they are fifty fifty - it will happen or it won't - and that's pretty good, right?

But still I suppose I always meet a new freak.

2010-01-22T18:55:00.000-08:00

The world makes a lot of people afraid or guilty of expressing their love, and I am one of them.

Fiber optics, a podcast, friends sharing and staying connected, mail, music done right, a clean room, a weird room, my records and books, an empty house

This is what I have to work with. Hopefully I will be productive in a manner which my loved ones will be proud of, though I am just trying to cover up how awfully isolated I feel here. Which is good.

A lot of things are happening in my creative brain, but I still think about running my bike into traffic on purpose sometimes, when I don't know what to do with the love I cannot appropriately express.

Color my life with the chaos of trouble, 'cause anything's better than posh isolation

2010-01-05T15:30:00.000-08:00

If I had to say something to everyone, I couldn't

Maybe I'd say, For my next birthday, I'd like my eyes to pixelate in a country where no one on the street is speaking English.

I want to be surrounded by people that are completely honest about what they like and what they dislike. The strings of words they think, what they feel, what they aren't able to, and the things that have happened which, if even hard to admit, are to blame.

And if I'm not there, I want them to be surrounded by one another.

2009-12-13T23:27:00.000-08:00

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

If you could only stop your heartbeat for one heart

2009-12-09T22:33:00.000-08:00

Bill Callahan's Sometimes I Wish We Were An Eagle is the best album of 2009

Little tiny pieces of peace for me sometimes
Everything I've eaten for a week has spinach in it
Of all the people in the world, why should I love you?
Somehow my brain still associates love with good things
I still like to think about it and feel it

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

--

Every other year is gone away to me and I can't remember any other version of myself. Keeping a notebook doesn't work for me, I can't express myself in words about what I did or who I thought I loved.

I am the non-linear, hope in clairvoyance, I am the gold that dances around your hair when you stand in front of the setting sun

2009 was so painful and then like 3 things were good

2010 is going to be my best year.. I hope it gets really fucking meta

where are everyone's goals and I'm scared

2009-12-03T21:18:00.000-08:00

I want to go back in time with you to when everyone traveled by trains

I want to give you things to which you can look forward

And I can still use your light to read by
But I can't use your feet to keep my feet warm

Don't be upset
And I will try not to be upset

I want to marry you
Or leave something of mine at your house for a long time

2009-11-07T17:42:00.000-08:00

Each day: you wake up, you are sad and grateful to be alive, you are mostly very distracted, something happens that affects you deeply and no one else can understand what it means to you, no one understands what they mean to you, you ponder the potential of turning that esoteric meaning into art only to concede, you get fucked up, you sober up, you ponder the weight of anything, you ponder the potential for anything you do to matter; it doesn't. You are alone.

I just don't think anyone I know understands how badly I hurt every day.

2009-10-11T20:27:00.000-07:00

I don't want to be here, and I don't want to be there.

I guess if something so small hidden underneath the great expanse of everyone else's agenda can mean so much to me - all the so so small things - that accounts for something. I just don't see the importance most people imagine their life holds; that they attempt to project on others, the rest of the whole world. Our lives are not so dramatic, our goals rarely mean much. This is ok, but I wish everyone could just shut the fuck up. You know?

THINGS SHOULD.. MAKE YOU HAPPY

It's what I want to be, but you know

Nothing I make means anything to anyone anymore! I started to spill my guts into something something a love project and then I hear oh god nfuckingfuck fuck fuck fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck I am so stupid to think I can have the things that I want

I am so weird and disgusting; I know this now and I am not ready to know

2009-10-04T16:01:00.000-07:00

Wikipedia tabs from 5 AM:

Military Brat (US subculture)

Intertexuality

Jonny Quest

Blackface

List of Motown Records Artists

Florrie Fisher

For real, Dinah

2009-08-19T18:36:00.000-07:00

I need to use this time in my life to focus more on more collaborative efforts. The "This is the Sound of How I Feel For You" tape series has slowed down, as I'm not as completely insane as I was before. I can't seem to write a decent song or make a decent art unless there is some great emotional conflict in my life. All I have is the conflict of my ambivalence toward nearly everything, besides that toward which I feel solely apathy.

Primarily, everything that I encounter in life is unattractive. Albeit, there are a few things which are sexy. These things are:
1. Vulnerability
2. The music of John Maus
3. Highwaters

Not to be confused with that which is romantic, for there are many other things that fall under such a category. Raconteurs, the French Language, old-school chivalry, and so on. It's just really cool when you remember that there are at least three sexy things that exist out there, and occasionally you cross paths with them.

I used to dream when I was younger that I'd be some kind of genius, but I don't really do much of anything I guess.

2009-08-11T22:49:00.001-07:00

A really neat thing happened today. I was stung by a wasp, and this kid told me to stick tobacco on it. The nicotine draws out the venom, which creates a sense of relief and reduces swelling.

It's weird - I just keep thinking "I'm really lonely, and that stinger is still inside of my leg."

If the day came when I felt a natural emotion, I'd get such a shock I'd probably jump in the ocean

2009-08-08T10:17:00.000-07:00

When I was in 7th grade, I wrote a play that the school performed, called "Untitled". It was about a boy, played by myself, who was the outcast/androgynous punk kid at school. Everyone made really bad fun of me for that. I sat on my computer and listened to the Clash and wished I was a cool older person who wrote hip blogs instead of plays.

But here I am, jobless, listening to the Clash on my computer, writing in my hip blog, and I'd give anything to be a freaky 7th grader who wrote plays, and who did not have the lungs of someone who has smoked for 7 years.

I'd give anything to be there, in love for the first time ever; doing every single thing for the first time ever.

2009-07-31T19:04:00.001-07:00

This is
what I'm
thinking about
constantly

I want to be held

2009-07-21T09:16:00.000-07:00

It's so hard for me to talk to a guy I like - I just end up talking about vulveeta or dog lipsticks.

My only fashion icon

2009-07-17T19:10:00.000-07:00

Though mostly numb to his death, sometimes one thing hits me so hard that I cry immediately. Today, when I thought about how he died just months before getting to hear just aaaaaa sec mooore in myyyy beeeeeeed, or a memory of him lying next to me, saying he had bad skin, when I thought it was perfectly beautiful skin.

And it really was.

"Someone should be so lucky to have such beautiful songs written for them."

2009-07-12T20:50:00.000-07:00

But it's going to be ok in time, because really all things are, and because I'm not self-destructive - I just have feelings which assist me in understanding what it's like. This is why it will be ok in time, and also because the things that you feel about someone else are mostly just projections of yourself. You reject the things you hate in yourself, and most of the time just love things in other people based on the web of aesthetic specifications you've made in your mind. Whether that devalues it or not, what matters is that it can be projected onto anyone; anything.

I W O I C H

And also because the darkness that is the trees on the side of the road at night, the pain in my heart, my skinned knee, my numb fingers, the longest hardest fullest laugh, the pain in my heart, the most/least sheepish smile, the other you in the forest, having tears kissed away, the awful pain in my heart, the feeling when it stops, the occasional recurrence, and the feeling of wanting to die will all be ok, will be more than ok, and then will be gone in time.

2009-06-28T22:10:00.000-07:00

Is your life weird?

Take some time to think about whether or not your life is weird.

Did you think of the answer yet? Do you know the answer?

Yes. Your life is weird.

My life is weird because I am scared of checking my voicemail, opening mail, paying more than 50 dollars for anything no matter what it is, I always get tiny zits on my forehead scar, I can't even give it a try to want someone who wants me, I feel ugly I'm not ugly, I'm never actually home.. that the way air conditioning feels is how I feel for them, the way the trees on the side of the road look at night, the sound of a television playing in the other room, the spaces in a hardwood floor, the way it feels when someone dies, the way it feels to want die is how I feel for them.

Why is your life weird?

2009-06-22T23:55:00.000-07:00

Overbites, underbites, gaps, crooked teeth, sharp teeth.. it changes the way people hold their mouth, and changes the sound of how their words come out. How their words look coming out. I am one hundred percent obsessed with the differences in people's teeth, and pronunciation of letters.

I keep having crushes - nothing will ever ever happen!

It's so crazy when you have felt so many people's bodies but you just remember how one person's body felt so strongly in some moment. And you just want it on your body again, especially your palms and fingertips, but it isn't going to happen maybe ever and then you go to sleep.

2009-06-20T06:37:00.000-07:00

The first tape I made was really good, and the one I'm making now is stupid and lacking real expression. 8 or 9 tape recorders later, it's part of the curse.

I found a cassette by this band M (seen above) called the Official Secrets Act. They sound like Devo, only really campy. I really like Hyde and Zeke's in Gainesville. I really like one dollar records.

I think I am the most in debt out of everyone I know, I'm always freaking out inside, I'm reading and hermiting so I have less to freak out about.

I hope I meet a boy in Gainesville who is cute and nice to me.

Right?

GO MAGIC

2009-06-07T00:32:00.000-07:00

http://normrex.libsyn.org

Check out Travis's podcast; my mixtape is going to be featured on it!

what is this
http://www.buddyhead.com/high-school-record-the-movie

3very day my h3art skips so many beats, and it sinks - I try not to miss so many opportunities - I try not to time travel back in my mind - once my dream came true and a cute guy actually came into my lonely job - his name was Noah - I loved that, he sat down for a while and we talked, he loved me - we made plans and he ditched me - he asked what music I liked and I said Charlie Parker - I want to make hopeful art, art which creates hope - I want to start my second tape but can't make copies of the first - I want to have meaningful sex - I was so sick, the last few days when I blow my nose there is a lot of blood - actually it's mostly blood - I have four hardly working record players, where do I get them looked at - I'm crying!

watching clarissa, my brain explains it all

2009-05-30T01:16:00.000-07:00

"you can't run away," she says. "just think of your friends."
"you're my only friend."
"I know. I mean, think of me."
I think, "He felt her up in that shirt at some point. Does he remember the shirts he felt me up in?"
She drops herself onto the bed. "You just want to be listening to Echo and the Bunnymen on a yacht somewhere but"
Do you ever find yourself saying a word to yourself out loud that is utterly irrelevent? Do you ever find yourself running?
It's infected, it's not closed up, I want to let it close up I
"Maybe I don't exist; maybe I am an atom on the palm of a giant!" Clarissa Darling shouts, insecure about her being due to family history
while I am just watching this show so high, can't tell if I am
him, him, him, him, him, whyyyyyyyyyy

And in reality, I want to feel something so good and I can't find it really. I am trying to be less cohesive when making art or expressing myself. It is not the nature of my mind. I have no goals, but want absolutely everything.

Where there's a wig, there is a way

2009-03-28T15:49:00.000-07:00

There isn't enough time to learn everything that you want, love all of your friends equally, figure out how to say exactly what you mean, make a home, try to rationalize love, sustain passion and motivation, express your affection physically, create art which you can be proud of, relax and be frivolous, make mistakes which you can learn from, to mourn when the time comes, keep in touch with all the people you care about who have drifted off to other parts of the world, or to isolate yourself in peaceful moments of introspection.. but at the same time, there sort of is, and sometimes it takes being asphyxiated by your apron on your bike (and nearly dying) to make you realize this. While I could barely breathe, all I thought of was my friends, how much I love them all, and how proud I am to have made them. There are so many more things I love about my own life than I think I have ever realized. I am happy to be me in this world right now.

Sometimes you look at someone and you feel yourself about to say, "I want to kiss you. Right now.", you don't, and maybe you didn't even feel that way at all.

I got my bike back!

2009-02-11T14:24:00.000-08:00

View Larger Map

This spot on the map is really beautiful.

Twin Peaks

2009-02-08T19:46:00.000-08:00

2009-02-08T00:37:00.000-08:00

My heart is full of things that belong to no one.

Someone please take this job with me

2009-01-30T22:00:00.000-08:00

I think this is the only answer as to what I can do with my life right now.

CARNIVAL HELP WANTED

Reply to: receptionist@strates.com [?]
Date: 2009-01-28, 3:30PM EST

Now accepting applications for ride operators, ticket sellers and general laborers to travel with James E. Strates Shows, one of America's leading carnival midway providers. Ride positions include setup, operation and teardown of carnival rides and equipment. General laborers needed for lot cleanup and general maintenance. Positions available IMMEDIATELY. Will train. Must be 18 or older and able to travel. Drug screening and background check.

Apply in person and please be prompt:
Thursday, January 29 and Friday, January 30 at 2:00 p.m.
Monday, February 2 - Friday, February 6 at 8:00 a.m.

Strates Shows, Inc.
10600 Orange Avenue (just south of Taft-Vineland Road)
Orlando, FL 32824

Visit us at www.strates.com (click on flag titled "employment") for further information.

Strates is the only Carnival that travels by train in the United States.

As for animal cruelty, the websites says that "animals are rare" and that the carnival is ride-centric. I am going to see if I can join this after my lease is up. What if I did that? I want to do that, but not alone.

2009-01-23T17:42:00.000-08:00

I pulled my knife out on a bunch of rednecks tonight

vinyl purchases:

as soon as I steal more money from work:

I want to be so crazy I don't know it; you don't know it

-

2009-01-16T17:09:00.001-08:00

2009-01-03T20:39:00.000-08:00

I want to be like Su Tissue

I want a Twin Peaks tattoo. Why don't I ever clean my room all the way?

2008-12-06T15:53:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I even want to go to Memphis so badly.

I want to be in a lake beside a mooooooountain

2008-12-01T18:49:00.000-08:00

Swimming in Nickajack Lake beside Lookout Mountain, would I ever come back out, or would I go spelunking in underwater caves until I couldn't hold my breath anymore in hopes of finding something worth it?

Have you ever seen a male seahorse give birth? It's awesome.

2008-11-30T22:33:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I get the idea that I don't really feel anything anymore.

2008-11-27T13:58:00.000-08:00

For Thanksgiving I made for my father and I:
1. Spinach and chickpea salad with walnut vinaigrette dressing
2. Tri-Vegetable spiral pasta with ricotta cheese I made from tofu
3. Curry seitan and couscous
4. Tofurky roasted in sage with homeade gravy
5. Creamy sweet potato Punjabi-style soup

I hope this is what it is like at all of your families' houses today if you so choose to celebrate with them:

2008-11-26T16:44:00.001-08:00

I am sexually frustrated, to be honest. Like, really. Like I can't hold a banana at work. Holding the banana at work is too much and I need someone else to do it for me.

Everything that is easy is hard

2008-11-23T09:32:00.000-08:00

I really hope I can learn to make music I like. It's my livelihood and I'm just letting time pass by so quickly. Maybe I need to take a lesson from Patty Smyth (not to be confused with Patti Smith) on how to shred, shoot at the walls of heartache, and be the Warrior.

Sweat, all the boys I love, cold sweat, listmaking, and the immediate nausea when something bad happens

2008-11-16T21:48:00.000-08:00

I just wonder about the people who are adjusted to the severity of the curious and twisted nature of the world. I wonder if they were born that way, and I was born this way, or if we're all exactly the same at first. It's just so hard to try and keep a good attitude about things when sometimes every single thing feels sad. When even the happy things seem sad, or their existence makes the sad things sadder.

I was originally going to link to a cool californian skate thrash band, but the importance of that in my mind is fleeting. Instead, look at these drawings by Kon Trubkovich. I really like this series for a lot of reasons.

I can't believe I might never see the bike I love again. I deserve that bike.

2008-11-15T07:52:00.000-08:00

I saw a tandem decorated in holiday lights in my neighborhood, and it made my heart hurt. I really miss having a partner who liked bikes as much, or probably more than I did. In fact, I really really really miss that. And I miss riding on a tandem. And I miss being two and not one. Ok.

View Larger Map

Free drinks are dangerous, and at my most drunk point last night, I decided to ride from A to B last night.

2008-11-13T09:13:00.000-08:00

Ok, so the most awesome thing about Die Kreuzen was that they were from Milwaukee, WI (check that flannel!).

The second-most awesome thing is that the bassist is my biggest crush.

You know when you wish a missed connection was about you?

2008-11-10T21:43:00.000-08:00

orlando craigslist> missed connections

to bird - m4w - 123 (orlando)
Reply to: pers-904781361@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-11-03, 8:08PM EST

to the one that flew away my heart bleeds constantly - I love you!

2008-11-06T22:01:00.000-08:00

This is my favorite scene from a movie of all time. I am doing an extreme injustice to one of the best films ever made by posting this clip out of context, but I don't care because this is one of the most awesome things about youtube. Also, Louis Armstrong's "Stardust" is the most perfectly constructed song ever.

I strongly reccomend watching Stardust Memories, whether or not you like Woody Allen, if you are at all interested in anything that has substance and doesn't fucking suck.

Also, I could relate this clip to how I feel about Anthony's death, and I really can't help but think about that, but there isn't any appropriate way to express it.

Also, go to this?

Maybe I will play in Jen's band again?